Sep 01 2009

Ahmadinejad Gets Punked at United Nations

Published by at 7:52 am under Current Events,middle east,politics,USA

Idealized dramatization of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s upcoming speech at the United Nations General Assembly in New York City on Sept. 23, 2009:

DAY INT. UNITED NATIONS ASSEMBLY

AHMADINEJAD
I’d just like to begin by denouncing the Great Satan known as the United States for it’s diabolical meddling…

BAN KI MOON
Mr. Ahmadinejad?

AHMADINEJAD
Who dares interrupt the glorious revolutionary leader of the great Islamic Republic of Iran?

BAN KI MOON
I’m just the Secretary General of this organization, Mr. Ahmadinejad. But as Secretary, I must, ah, regretfully inform you that you don’t have an appointment to speak here today. I’m afraid the agenda for today’s gathering just doesn’t have time set aside.

AHMADINEJAD
You can’t be serious!?

BAN KI MOON
The rest of the assembly felt that since they’d pretty much heard what you had to say in your previous, ah, rants, they wanted to “skip” the speech. It was pretty much unanimous. Much regret, but as Secretary, I do have to set an agenda while juggling priorities. My apologies. Your speech just didn’t make the cut.

AHMADINEJAD
What new conspiracy is this?

BAN KI MOON
I’m terribly, terribly sorry, Mr. Ahmadi… Ahmedo… Golly, do you mind if I just call you Allan? Look, Mr. Chavez dearly wanted to hear you speak, but I understand he had to be fitted for a new beret to encompass his bloated cranium. And as you can see, you’re just not on the agenda. Terribly, terribly sorry.

AHMADINEJAD
This is unprecedented! Here is proof that the Zionist entity’s satanic agents have infiltrated the highest levels of…

BAN KI MOON
Allan! That’s quite enough. I must insist that you step down and let the Peruvian ambassador begin his dissertation on the global consequences of depressed prices on Llama pelts.

AHMADINEJAD
You cannot stop the voice of God’s revolution, vile Jewish swine. If we were in Iran right now, I’d have you thrown in prison, sodomized, and executed for being a godless Zionist homosexual.

BAN KI MOON
My goodness, that’s wrong on so many levels. Allan, for the last time, I have to insist that you step down. Mr. Gonzalez is waiting, with some very fine Llama pelts.

AHMADINEJAD
A thousand curses on your pork-flavored head, I shall go on! Once more, the downtrodden nations of the Earth condemn the United States for it’s…

BAN KI MOON
I. Said. Shut. Up. And. Sit. Down. Allan.

AHMADINEJAD looks down the barrel of an M1911 pistol. BAN KI MOON cocks the weapon.

BAN KI MOON
I would remind the representative from Iran that in addition to being a Secretary, I am also a General. When I give an order, I expect that it will be followed. Is that understood?

AHMADINEJAD
Yes.

BAN KI MOON
What was that? I didn’t hear you?!

AHMADINEJAD
Yes, sir!

BAN KI MOON
Damn right. Sit your ass down, Allan.

AHMADINEJAD slinks into his seat. The ASSEMBLY is intimidated into absolute silence. BAN KI MOON goes to his podium and withdraws from a hidden compartment a king-sized bottle of fine aged soju. Breaking the bottle open with his teeth with a sickening crunch, the Secretary-General proceeds to take a swig from the jagged edge. He keeps his pistol out in the open.

BAN KI MOON
Mr. Gonzalez, you have the floor.

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2 responses so far

2 Responses to “Ahmadinejad Gets Punked at United Nations”

  1. Earnest Canuckon 01 Sep 2009 at 7:04 pm

    Mmf. “Alan”! Good one. I might also suggest “Manny”, or “Azzy”, as being un-Semitical equivalents to “Izzy”, etc.

    Or: does anyone know the equivalent of “hanging chad” in Farsi –? A good nickname could be built outta that, I bet.

    If Ahmadinejad played pro hockey — for a WHL team outta Mercy, Sask., say — the lads would just call him “Jaddie.” They would. It’s the law.

  2. jnarveyon 01 Sep 2009 at 8:34 pm

    Thanks, Earnest. Once again, this satire was written with you in mind as the target audience. Glad you enjoyed it.

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