Dec 24 2009
It’s that time of year to celebrate peace and goodwill. That said, I recommend keeping an axe handy, just in case. There’s a very unfriendly Christmas tree out there somewhere plotting mischief. The full story:
Move over, Grinch. A new villain plans to take down the holiday season while disguised as an ordinary Christmas tree.
He is known only by his Twitter handle, @achristmastree. But for those who have had a run-in with this surly revolutionary, his name might as well be Evil Christmas Pine Tree Thingie.
“I was just at a tree lot, looking for a tree to take home for my family and all of a sudden, I feel this resin-coated branch slap me in the back of the head!” says Ernest Limenuts of Vancouver, BC. “I think I was knocked out for a minute or two. When I woke up, my wallet was gone and so were my pants!”
“That’s when the thing started mocking me in this raspy, woody voice, calling me a stupid, pantless meat-sack. I was totally going to kick its ass, but there were like fifty trees on the lot, so I couldn’t figure out where it was hiding.”
Mr. Limenuts never got his pants back, or his pride. Similar assaults have been reported across the Lower Mainland of BC in Christmas tree sale lots. The attacks were a mystery until @achristmastree started tweeting away on December 18.
“I am going to bust this story wide open,” came the opening salvo. “The truth behind us Christmas Trees! Vengeance will be ours.”
@achristmastree seems to be counting on human sleeper cells to spread its toxic message. “Hey, you virtual meat puppets, send me pictures of your Christmas Trees and I will link to them and critique your decorations.”
The bad tree’s agenda seems to stem from a mix of coniferous supremacy ideology and rabid anti-humanism. Past statements include:
• “I am just going to sit here quietly and watch these weirdos flapping their gums about my height and girth… I got your girth right here.”
• “You know that my ancestors have been working this job since 1850? Can’t believe we haven’t taken over this planet already… Have a billion of us growing every year. Just you watch.”
If you see a suspicious Christmas tree, police recommend that you chop it down with an axe. “We like to think of ourselves as green-friendly here in Vancouver, but when push comes to shove, you do what you have to do to protect your family,” explains VPD Chief Radrap Pinjurwati. “Nothing will ruin your holiday faster than waking up Christmas morning with a half-dozen pine cones shoved up your butt. Believe me, I’ve been there.”