New Media

While the title above is simply a sophomoric shot-in-the-dark SEO optimization tactic, I did actually want to put a spotlight on the fine work they’re doing at the Green Blog. As a recently-minted convert to the environmental cause and an entirely self-declared expert on sustainability issues on the west coast, I salute thee.

Nice work on the Bali conference updates, catastrophic climate data links and even a thoroughly disgusting yet visually appealing anti-whaling ad photo. Am I guessing right that the Green Blog is based right out of big green giant Vancouver, or am I just projecting?

Now, if they could just throw in a disclaimer that Kyoto and conferences like Bali are really just a symbolic cover for signatory nations to do nothing at all (and that efforts of nations like Canada that may or may not be trying to put pressure on other countries to actually walk their talk are pretty much moot thereby), that would make my day.

Six Metres and Rising
A play in one act
(Generously submitted to Currents by friend and creative genius Mr. Earnest Canuck)

CAST.
DAVID SUZUKI, an environmentalist.
STEPHEN HARPER, a politician.
WEN JIABAO, another politician.
KING CANUTE, another.
GLOBAL CLIMATE, an entity, played by a hot woman.
KYOTO, a dog.

CURTAIN. A Vancouver beach in winter. DAVID SUZUKI, wearing only a thong, performs labourious Tai Chi exercises, puffing out his cheeks. Enter STEPHEN HARPER, carrying a laptop.

HARPER: What kind of activity are you carrying out there, David Suzuki?

SUZUKI: Capping, pant, my emissions of greenhouse, pant, gasses, Prime, pant, Minister.

HARPER: Really? And this capping, is it the manner of thing done by cool people, statistically?

SUZUKI (angrily): Yes…!

HARPER (thoughtfully): I should have capped my emissions when I was a schoolboy. Statistically, I might have reduced the percentile of days spent with my underwear around my neck. Statistically. (Sits, opens laptop.) Hey, Suzuki…? What’s 450 million years old and two miles thick?

SUZUKI: Your government’s heartless indifference, maybe, to future generations? Ha, ha!

HARPER: Ha, ha! Ha. Um, no, though. Let me refer to the punchline here. It was the ice sheet in Ordovician times, when atmospheric carbon dioxide was ten times higher than –

(Enter GLOBAL CLIMATE, pursued by KING CANUTE. WEN JIABAO reluctantly trails in after them.)

GLOBAL CLIMATE: Micronations! Crop failure! SUVs! Sustainable! Carbon trading! Sustainability! Fossil fuels! Flossing!

KING CANUTE (imploringly): Why were you so hot for me, Global Climate, and now you’re so cold? Please! Baby! Can’t we go through the highs and lows together? Don’t go changing, just to please me –

WEN JIABAO: All right, King Canute, that’s enough. You’ll never lower her tube top’s see level. It’s futile! Now get the hell out of here.

CANUTE: I’ll turn her back someday. You’ll see. (Slinks offstage.)

CLIMATE (sadly): King Canute consensus oilsands inconvenient truthiness? (Suddenly enraged) Mean temperature! Ice calves! Sequester! Monbiot! Monbiot!

SUZUKI: So, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao. How are you?

JIABAO: Harper, Suzuki, hello. Frankly, I’m a little tired of dealing with this Global Climate bi —

HARPER: Bit of a policy challenge, with a range of costs and opportunities, you’re saying, Wen? I feel you. That is, I empathize with you. I’m feeling you.

JIABAO: I was saying, she’s not my problem. Also, she’s a skank.

SUZUKI: Whoa!

HARPER: Easy!

CLIMATE: Protocol! Sweet light crude! Protocol!

JIABAO: Whatever. She’s quite aware what she’s going through. You all stay away from my house, all right? (Exit. He shouts from offstage.) Climate changes! It’s what she does!

HARPER: So. Um. Ms. Climate. Would you care for a light massage? Several studies have shown it might be medicinally beneficial. Within a margin of error. Statistically.

CLIMATE: Recycling incentive biosphere solar panel?

SUZUKI: Damn you, Harper! Just because this country has one per cent of the world’s weather, doesn’t mean you can fiddle with Global Climate, you, you… pollutant…

HARPER: David, I would ask you to reduce your face-punching anger by a few degrees, now. Over the next predictive time period, I mean… voluntarily…

SUZUKI: Despoiler! Climate flirter!

(HARPER and SUZUKI begin to wrestle and stagger offstage, pursued by the agitated CLIMATE.)

CLIMATE: Community gardens organic bicycle. Healing spiritual dialogue circle! Dialogue! Deniers! Exxon! Monbiot!

(Exit. Enter KYOTO.)

KYOTO: As we have seen tonight, friends, climate is a thing that affects us all. In these troubled times, we can no longer deny that each of us has some emissions. Globular warmening is no longer just a recipe, but a scientishly-acknowledged truism. Our duty to the planet and to future generations is clear: we must fossilize our remaining fuel resources. And wherever sea-level communities are threatened by changing climaxes, kibble must be provided, friends, as much kibble as the developed world can spare, lest overheated dogs lead us straight into environmental catastrophe. I may be just a small dog in a big atmosphere, my fellow citizens, but believe me: I was named for a treaty, and I know.

Canada ranks fourth-worst in a study of countries’ climate change performance.

Having recently researched the topic of climate change impact in the Vancouver area for a magazine piece, the numbers aren’t all that surprising. Canada does have a lot of work to do (though some municalities like Vancouver and Toronto are in fact leading the way in terms of climate change planning).

It is odd, though, that China would not be ranking right up there, considering it is overall the biggest emitter of greenhouse gases. And how does Indonesia get off scot-free? Meanwhile, India gets ranked in the top five on the survey, despite the country’s rapid deforestation and coal-fired energy plants?

Of course it’s not fair that newly developing countries should have to share the burden of cutting carbon output to fight global warming. But fair or not, it’s necessary, or we’re all in trouble.

Can Vancouver export sustainable urban design to the world?

Dubai is as good a test case as one could hope for. Media expert Michael Klassen notes that the future Hong Kong of the Middle East has already snagged five of our city planners. The plan is to use the same expertise that made Vancouver into a world-class city and showcase for sustainability to give Dubai a look to match its ambitions.

But EcoDensity only makes sense in a place that can actually accommodate density without massive resource transfers and subsidies. Vancouver has plenty of water; Dubai doesn’t. Vancouver has access to green hydroelectric power; Dubai eventually may be a solar-energy superpower, but it’s not there yet. Dubai’s service economy has to import virtually all basic commodities and manufactured products. This may be a case of importing the look of Vancouver without the underlying sustainability.