Jul 01 2010
Happy Canada Day!
Presenting some short films that showcase the awesomeness of the land of the True North Strong and Free.
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Archive for the 'holiday' Category
Dec 24 2009
Peace and Goodwill Towards All. Except Christmas Trees
It’s that time of year to celebrate peace and goodwill. That said, I recommend keeping an axe handy, just in case. There’s a very unfriendly Christmas tree out there somewhere plotting mischief. The full story:
Move over, Grinch. A new villain plans to take down the holiday season while disguised as an ordinary Christmas tree.
He is known only by his Twitter handle, @achristmastree. But for those who have had a run-in with this surly revolutionary, his name might as well be Evil Christmas Pine Tree Thingie.
“I was just at a tree lot, looking for a tree to take home for my family and all of a sudden, I feel this resin-coated branch slap me in the back of the head!” says Ernest Limenuts of Vancouver, BC. “I think I was knocked out for a minute or two. When I woke up, my wallet was gone and so were my pants!”
“That’s when the thing started mocking me in this raspy, woody voice, calling me a stupid, pantless meat-sack. I was totally going to kick its ass, but there were like fifty trees on the lot, so I couldn’t figure out where it was hiding.”
Mr. Limenuts never got his pants back, or his pride. Similar assaults have been reported across the Lower Mainland of BC in Christmas tree sale lots. The attacks were a mystery until @achristmastree started tweeting away on December 18.
“I am going to bust this story wide open,” came the opening salvo. “The truth behind us Christmas Trees! Vengeance will be ours.”
@achristmastree seems to be counting on human sleeper cells to spread its toxic message. “Hey, you virtual meat puppets, send me pictures of your Christmas Trees and I will link to them and critique your decorations.”
The bad tree’s agenda seems to stem from a mix of coniferous supremacy ideology and rabid anti-humanism. Past statements include:
• “I am just going to sit here quietly and watch these weirdos flapping their gums about my height and girth… I got your girth right here.”
• “You know that my ancestors have been working this job since 1850? Can’t believe we haven’t taken over this planet already… Have a billion of us growing every year. Just you watch.”
If you see a suspicious Christmas tree, police recommend that you chop it down with an axe. “We like to think of ourselves as green-friendly here in Vancouver, but when push comes to shove, you do what you have to do to protect your family,” explains VPD Chief Radrap Pinjurwati. “Nothing will ruin your holiday faster than waking up Christmas morning with a half-dozen pine cones shoved up your butt. Believe me, I’ve been there.”
Dec 23 2009
Do Ninjas Celebrate Christmas?
Not only do ninjas celebrate Christmas; Santa Claus is in fact one of the greatest of these legendary warriors. Don’t believe me? Watch and learn.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays, my friends.
Oct 31 2009
Are the Stars Right This Halloween?
Maybe. Here’s a glimpse of what may be happening this Hallow’s Eve.
Hard to say, since no one living today actually speaks the same language as a giant squid-faced creature who trampled the Earth long before the dinosaurs came and went.
As an example of the difficulty involved here in judging the timing of the slimy one’s return, even the most famous saying about Cthulhu, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” (“In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming”), is often embarrassingly misspelled in such a way as to be translatable as “In a sushi restaurant in Ryloth topless Cthulhu waits tables.” (Unquotable Cthulhu)
But if not on Halloween, then when?
Oct 31 2009
Halloween Public Service Announcement on Zombies
All Canadians are advised to get vaccinated for H1N1. But the zombie virus outbreak that so recently descended on Vancouver should not be forgotten, particularly given that today is the day when freaky stuff tends to happen.
Below is a handy video tutorial on how to survive a zombie plague. Enjoy.
